Tag Archives: Travel

Howdy Stranger!

Oh my gawd, HI!

Man I haven’t seen you in ages! What’ve you been up to? You won a beauty pageant? And got a promotion! And found the love of your life?! Well, that’s not surprising at all since you’re so delicious. Plus, yeah, I’ve been stalking you on Facebook, so I kinda knew already.

Where have I been? Well, I guess I’ve been having a couple of those weeks that kinda answer the ‘why did you move to London?’ question that bewildered locals always throw at me. All credit to my funemployed pal JJ, who is the BEST at fun-hunting instead of job hunting EVA. What have we been doing? Well…

We went to THE GLOBE for FREEZIES! Not only did that tick off a massive London To Do, but it was the first ever musical at the (reincarnated) home of Shakespeare… history on history baby! Plus, it was a modern take of a Greek classic of Euripides, that I’m sure I must have translated at some point in my Classical days (*casually brushes off shoulders of leather-elbow-patched tweed jacket*). AND… golden speedos. Need I say more?

What else? Well there was the taping of the show Catchphrase. All I can really say is that the only time I’ve ever seen or will ever see that show was in person. I totally thought that freaking ‘golden robot’ (according to Wikipedia) Mr Chips was a banana, like, you know, ‘banana chips’? That or he’s just a chip. But that ain’t no robot! If that irritation weren’t enough, the super Essex simple-sweetie sailed away with over 20gs in prizes, while I was stuck there watching the host do endless retakes at the end for all the lines he or the production team gaffed. Seriously, go to Graham Norton. He knows what he’s doing. AND he’s actually funny.

That same week we took advantage of the London Design Festival to get free booze. Sounds like a non sequitor? Well, it was promoting stones that you freeze to put in your drink instead of ice cubes so as not to dilute the mythical glory of our Northern neighbours’ godly nectar. Simple design genius perhaps, but I was only interested in the magic the uber-proto-hipster barmen wrought to make me like whiskey! Load it up with mint and lemon and lime and I’ll be all over it. Or rather it’ll be all in me. ASAP. My mouth is watering now for Mint Juleps. And if that Blue Grass band would please alternately score my life with their sultry southern hick hipstering and narrate my life with their surprisingly broad Brit accents, I’d be even happier.

Then there was the Butterfly Enclosure at the Natural History Museum, which brought back memories of the Otago Museum Butterfly House in 2008. Granted, this one had less wedding dresses and MUCH less booze, but it was equally sweaty and just as much makeup ended up in my boobs. But I did find my new favourite butterfly. Granted, I didn’t have one before, but this one was epic. On the outside, it was pure folliage. Like, you’d have to have psychic powers that connect to butterflies to distinguish it from a leaf. But when it flexed its wings open, its insides were a triumphant regalia of blue sapphires. Commonplace on the outside and glorious on the inside – if you tell me I’m like that butterfly, that’ll be a massive insult-complement combo hit right there. Possibly a fatal hit.

And of course there’s the resurgence of pub quiz at a new close-to-my-house-thank-bloody-gawd location. Usually during the music round I zone out while my team shouts ‘MotzBach!’ and ‘Unicorn #5!’ and I get nuffin. But this week was a random hip hop theme, and my team watched agape as I managed an answer for all 20 question parts and got enough to bring us up from about 9th to 3rd. Who knew I was so gangsta? Yup, me, that’s who. Bad Geeks 4 Life!

But sadly, and despite my #1 thug status, now that the infamous JJ is employed once more I’m rather at a loss.

You know, we should totally, like, hang out… Maybe we could get coffee sometime?

Or I guess I could just go back to those ER reruns…

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I hear the pitter patter

Today I saw the city cloaked. The Shard wore a veil to shyly hide its heights while the Gherkin shrugged its shroud about its hunched shoulders in mourning for the Summer passed now beneath the ground. Ben tolled away, concealed as usual, but his mask was sheathed from the rest of us, the spires shooting blindly towards oblivion. Those circling the eye graduated briefly to those hidden heavens, only to return to earth, triumphant or disappointed, depending on the make of them.

Oh wait.

After complaining to you endlessly about first the cold and then the heat, I want to do anything but complain about the sudden onset of constant rain and creeping mist in London.

Therefore I offer up to you instead my equal-top-3-fave-poem EVA…

HONE TUWHARE – RAIN

I can hear you
making small holes
in the silence
rain

If I were deaf
the pores of my skin
would open to you
and shut

And I
should know you
by the lick of you
if I were blind

the something
special smell of you
when the sun cakes
the ground

the steady
drum-roll sound
you make
when the wind drops

But if I
should not hear
smell or feel or see
you

you would still
define me
disperse me
wash over me
rain.

London: the next level

As you all know, my parentals have come to London town. Yegads! But once the planes, trains and automobiles were booked, the accommodation hastily arranged, and my room ‘sanitised’ to a parent-friendly level, I had to consider the things I needed to tell them to keep them, well, alive.

I write about LIVING in London, which is why I bitch and moan and generally wank on about my ‘feels’. But suddenly I had to think about London from the point of view of a tourist, and even worse, a tourist who’s NEVER BEEN ANYWHERE. Of course, two years ago that was me, wide-eyed and freaking out about the smallest details in the face of a giant adventure.

So now that I’ve got a craptonne of countries and a year of living abroad under my Heathrow-injected belt, here are some things I would like to go back and tell myself, or anyone new to the big city, based on the past week with my parentals.

London: tourist mode

  • Stand on the right on escalators, walk on the left. If you stand on the left, a secret buzzer goes off and all commuters within a three-station radius will automatically head in your direction, to stand behind you yelling ‘exCUSE me!’ You will be lucky to survive the resultant stampede. Many do not. Others come back in wheelchairs or suffering from lifelong tremors.
    Bonus points if you sass another tourist making this fatal error.
  • If you are lost, don’t think standing still, looking about you and glancing at a map will invite those about you to offer help. The key is to aggressively leap in front of the passers-by and make the most sympathy-inducing puppy eyes. This will cause an enormous 20% of Londoners to remember that they are human beings, and you WILL be given directions.
    Bonus points if you make someone remove their earphones to help you.
  • Learn the lingo. DO NOT expect people to infer meaning from context. This is a skill you have learnt by osmosis by watching international television all your life. If you ask for ‘trim milk’ at a coffee shop, the barista WILL assume that you have had a stroke and are speaking ‘word salad.’ Stop him calling the ambulance and then explain that you meant ‘skim’ or ‘skinny’.
    Bonus points if you slip ‘jandals’ into conversation and don’t get questioned.

London: secret levels unlocked!

  • Smile at and speak to bus drivers – other people on the bus will assume this means you’re either terminally ill or have special needs, and will probably give you their seat.
    Bonus points if an old lady with a cane stands up for you, you poor dear.
  • Carry a survival kit. You may never be trapped underground but if that train grinds to a halt with your carriage still in darkness, you will suddenly realise that you are hungry, thirsty, dry-lipped, and entertainment-less. For this reason, always carry water, a snack, chapstick, and a friend or other distractor – Candy Crush being my current Raison d’être.
    Bonus points if you ace the level while a snooper watches over-shoulder.
  • Do not feel at home because you see a Flat White on the menu at the coffee shop. This version of home has been raped and pillaged by orcs, and all beans sent to a bitter death in the hell-fires of Mount Doom. Don’t take sugar? You will. I saw my caffeine-addict-but-not-coffee-snob mother THROW OUT a full coffee yesterday.
    Bonus points if you kick the habit altogether because it’s just. Not. Worth it.

I asked my parents what else they’d learnt in the last week in London, and the immediate and vehement response was ‘EVEN OLD LADIES ARE BITCHES!’ My Other Mother learnt this most obvious of London lessons on day one in town when an old piece of animated crepe paper shoved her into a baby in order to squeeze her lizard-skinned arse onto an already packed lift. Mind you, this was in a fancy-pants department store, so whaddya expect, right?

The other major lesson they’ve learnt is that EVERYTHING IS SOOOO OLLLLLD! I knew this would be ‘a thing’ for my mother since I spent many a late evening as a 14 year old passionate about Latin (yup, geek-fighter here) trying to make her comprehend the timeline I was working with. When I tried to contextualise by saying my favourite Roman author Ovid wrote about the same time as Jesus was around, I saw the brain gaskets blow.

My mother is a super clever cookie, but coming from NZ and not being a uber-dweeb, it was almost incomprehensible how old things are in London. Things that you can just walk over and touch and spit on and lick if you’re so inclined. This is probably my favourite thing about having parents in London – exposing them to things that blow their minds and make their eyes widen and give them a taste of that passion I have for the how-we-got-here, the complete WTF of where-we-are-now in the scheme of things, and the holy-mother-of-god of the where-we-could-go.

Plus, now that they have experienced at least one rush-hour tube journey, they understand the true love-hate-love relationship that I have with London.

A heart in one of the places I heart - Brick Lane graffiti heaven.

A heart in one of the places I heart – Brick Lane graffiti heaven.

 

The Kiwi Conspiracy

Breaking News!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you up-to-the-minute information on a late-breaking international headline.

Statistics and demographic studies released in New Zealand commonly indicate that there are around 1 million New Zealand born expats living overseas, accounting for roughly 18% of the total population when added to the 4.5 million residents. However, this has been shown to be an egregious and intentional error.

Our sources show that the New Zealand government has long been plotting to take over the world, complicit with all of its citizens between the ages of 18-31, in what has been dubbed ‘the Kiwi Conspiracy.’

The first stages of the decades-long plan of aggression has been a programme of propaganda designed to blindside the rest of the world. Its tactics are the reverse of that in North Korea, for the populace is entirely aware of the reality, while the outside world has had the sheep’s wool pulled firmly down over its eyes. The approach is referred to colloquially as “shrekking”.

One great win for the Propaganda Ministry (locally referred to as Tourism New Zealand) was the election of Peter Jackson as Chief HOBBIT (Head Of Big Budget International Trickery). In Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings the painstakingly-hand-drawn and CGI-ed backgrounds promoted the outlandishly stunning landscapes in a fantasy tale where New Zealand became a main character in itself.

Many actors were in on the action of course. Jackson hand-picked a mixture of big stars and new faces and specifically chose those who seemed like ‘nice’, trustworthy people. While these all signed on in good faith, some began to suspect the deceit when they spent their entire film-shoot on a green-screen or sound stage and were never allowed outdoors. All were paid off in New Zealand dollars and – much more valuably – Oscars, but the more vocal were subjected to blackmail.

When Orlando Bloom threatened to leak the story rather than film The Hobbit, the Ministry took his child with Miranda Kerr and hid it away on a farm in the Deep South so that it would grow up with a Kiwi accent. Bloom buckled under this heinous threat, but only when filming concluded were the family reunited in an emotional scene. Luckily the only scar the poor child suffered was the legacy of a rolling ‘R’.

With the entire world now believing that New Zealand was a beautiful, unspoilt paradise, the next stage of the plan was to get Kiwis out in the world promoting the New Zealand people. From birth Kiwi children are subjected to niceties including – but not limited to – smiling, talking to strangers, being polite, helping lost tourists, hard work, modesty, and understanding of personal space. Once so indoctrinated, young Kiwis are let out into the world, but only after passing the following tests:

a) learning Poi E, Pokarekare Ana and/or the Haka
b) owning a New Zealand flag, pounamu, Silver Fern badge, or other Kiwi paraphernalia to display on luggage/bag/self at all times
c) downloading copious amounts of Six60, Fat Freddy’s Drop, Salmonella Dub, Anika Moa, Hollie Smith, the Black Seeds, Bic Runga, Crowded House, Dave Dobbyn, Ladyhawke, Op Shop, Supergroove, and anything Finn so that the musical indoctrination can continue abroad.

London was chosen as the stepping off point for world domination, and young people flocked to this European hub in great numbers to help their country. The immigration-resistant British government has in recent years begun to suspect a ploy, and started limiting Visa numbers, but their tactics have been ineffectual as they have massively underestimated the depth of the deception.

The UK Border Agency‘s restrictions were combatted by a nationwide campaign for all New Zealanders with British heritage to use this to gain passports and ancestry visas. Furthermore, those with the ability to gain passports from other countries with entry rights to the UK were asked to travel exclusively on these and deny all links to New Zealand.

Perhaps the most genius move has been the funnelling of Kiwi conspirators through Australia. One great flaw in the UK Border Agency’s systems is the complete inability of the British to distinguish New Zealanders from their Western neighbours, and thus any Kiwi traveling on a foreign passport from an Australian port of origin has been added to the Australian tally.

Once resident in the UK, Kiwis have several tactics for meeting up to discuss world domination plans. When local Londoners started to suspect a conspiracy, the Facebook page Kiwis in London was set up by a Lead Ex-Pat to cover up the suspicious monthly meetings. These became known as ‘Kiwis in London Drinks’ and much drinking, dancing and revelry was used to  disguise the planning and conspiracy.

Wristbands offered on entry designated combat roles and free cocktails included instructions for each individual member, which had to be chugged within 10 seconds or they would be destroyed for security reasons. Whenever classics such as ‘Why Does Love Do This To Me?‘ played, it was a signal that outsiders had entered the bar and extreme jovial Kiwi spirit must be displayed. Perhaps most crucially, lead operatives swapped sensitive communications through tiny microchips hidden in their saliva.

Between meetups certain ex-pats are charged with communication responsibilities. For example, RunawayKiwi delivers information about locations for area-group meetups in a blog that purports to describe local events, while 1in12million’s To Do list is a constant coded update of the progress of the Worldwide Campaign in London.

Although the Kiwi Conspiracy has been blown wide open and its tactics, targets and operatives identified, one question remains unanswered: what is the reason, the motivation, the end-goal?

What will the world look like once the global domination is complete?

 

Dr Evil Kiwi?

Rain drops keep falling on my head

I think I should start a blog about the weather, since that’s all I seem to be able to talk about these days. You’d all read that riiiiight?

  • “Weather or Not” (‘hot or not’ styles ORRRRR perhaps more of a ‘would you rather’ affair)
  • “Hot Topics” or “Topical Highs and Lows” (current events [lol, pun within a pun])
  • “The (not very) Bright Side of LIfe” (like Failbook, but with… Rain?)
  • “Blow you away” (umm… this could go in several directions, although if it’s anything like Wellington wind, you’re going dooooowwwn. If you know what I mean). 

I think the obsession with talking about sunshine is a symptom of the SAD perhaps, or a product of the season that has no name. No applicable name at least. I’d call it Sprinter, but it ain’t goin’ anywhere fast. I’d call it Wing, but it just won’t fly the fuck away!

I begin to feel that thinking about sunshine is like trying to understand the universe. Right when you think you’ve got it, the fragile notion slips through your fingers, and as you grasp for it, it shatters into refractions of your imagination.

I begin to feel that talking about sunshine is like calling for Beetlejuice three times. But instead of bringing it to you, it drives it away and you’re haunted by the rain instead, which prods you with an irregular rhythm reminiscent of the most irritating unrelated child.

I begin to feel that dreaming about sunshine is dreaming about home, and a dangerous game for an emigree far from home. You wake up with the image in your head and can’t quite figure out if it was dream or reality.

You’ll all be sad to learn that regular guest-star LD has just left the UK, turfed outa the country after two years of faithful service to the gods of theatre, art, and intellect. Along with thoughts on Zombies, she recently shared with me her theories on sunshine. Having moved hemispheres 4 times in as many years, she’s noticed a pattern – Shite Weather follows her. It’s not that she always moves at the wrong time, it’s that she gets the worst of all seasons no matter where or when she goes.

I laughed at her egocentric weather philosophies, as I laugh at those who take astrology seriously. It is human nature to make patterns where they don’t exist. It is confirmation bias to hear a list of generic qualities and think ‘that’s meeee!’

Until… I started to see the patterns myself. Like the Summer I shared with her in London which swung wildly from weeks at a time of rain to everyday 30 degrees – humid and sweaty either way at a time I was trying to get a job. Sweating off my makeup and dignity was not how I wanted to dress to impress.

Just imagine the sensation of being smushed ass to groin with a million strangers a day on an airless, aircondition-less underground when everyone just came out of the rain – jackets there’s no room to remove, damp hair steaming, sweat rolling off noses but arms trapped too far away to swat at it and desperate, ineffective attempts to blow it away with a lower-lip-thrust-exhalation (is there a word for that?!).

Since then we’ve had a Winter that’s driven me to blogging about the faarking weather more than once. More than twice. More than human decency can abide. Even English people (who like to complain about the weather even when the sun is beating down) have said that this has been a long cold Winter. The free Tube mags, bastions of journalism as they are, have had articles on how to deal with SAD in the face of the constant grey, and most of us have taken to drink. Like… more than usual.

But the icing on the cake, the sign from above, the confirmation of this most ludicrous theory, came last weekend. It was LD’s last weekend in London, and after a Winter that seems to have lasted exactly the length of her Visa, the sun came out to play. It may have still been in the mid-single-figures (that’s a generous description for 3 degrees, I know), but it was glorious.

I reached for my sunglasses, buried deep in the very small pile (have I mentioned I’m poor?) of totally unnecessary belongings. The daffodils newly planted in the revamped patch of council ‘green’ near my house reached for the skies, after previously dipping their heads to the ground a little more each day since planting, unable to battle gravity without the motivation of the yellow ball of awesome to reach towards.

But the creme de la creme, the incontrovertible truth, the astrology of… LIFE, came when I Google Mapped my way to LD’s house that fateful last day in London. Clearly the London gods and the Sun gods had gathered together, checked the airport departure lists, had a coupla gins, laughed unkindly at her, and got our the sunnies that she would never need:

You want it? I’m gonna give it to ya

Well I’ve learnt a blogging lesson. My attempt at short posts a few weeks ago was a dismal failure – partly due to my lack of follow-through, partly due to my distrust of brevity – and apparently some of you actually like/accept my ranting style, self-described as ‘observational whining’ (there’s, like, a category and all).

In fact my distrust of brevity is a lie: in the workplace I’m all ‘give them what they need to know, and nothing more.’ I don’t want the message to get lost, or for my underlings/overlords to be all tl;dr. I’ve had to learn to fluff out work emails with niceties and the workplace-appropriate versions of smiley-faces so that a straightforward change in process email isn’t misinterpreted as ‘rarrr rarrr do it minions rarrr!’ It’s more effective if you imagine me as a t-rex flapping my ineffectual arms around. Coz that’s how those emails are generally received.

But in this wee corner of the blogosphere I DO WHAT I WANT.

In fact this is also a lie: if I could do what I want I would be the Grace Helbig of the blogging world, or the Le Clown of the blogging world (wait, he IS the Le Clown of the blogging world), and you minions would flock to me like sheep on New Zealand (OMG outside of NZ in-joke. Coz seriously, it’s all cows now. *If you know what I mean*). We’d laugh, we’d cry. You’d love me, I’d love you. We’d all marry each other no matter our sexuality, race, nationality, Visa status, desire for each other, desire for marriage, or ability to meet in person, coz Marriage Equality is the shiznit. I’m using old school cool lingo coz WHY WASN’T THIS DONE AND DUSTED AGES AGO?!

Anyways, I’ve buried the point deep like point-ception, but I think it’s lurking in my back-lobe somewhere…. oh yeah! I wrote a post yesterday full of ‘why am I sad?’ and ‘I’m trying to be happy’ and, like, FEELINGS. Feelings are weird but you can’t avoid them. Much like your weird cousin Barry. But just like Barry, they get better with alcohol. Or MUCH worse. It depends on your feelings, and the inner workings of your cortexes (cortices?) and, well, Barry. Maybe Barry breaks out the soppy karaoke when he’s drunk. Maybe he thinks he can breakdance and breaks Aunt Hilda’s hip in the process. Maybe he punches Aunt Hilda in the face. Why is Barry at a Wedding? I don’t know. Someone get that bitch a taxi.

But I’ve learnt something about blogging (ohhh yeah, there’s the point, we’re there, people) based on my stats spike yesterday (and the numerous direct comments, but I’m gonna pretend I’ve inferred this shit. Correlation and stuff). Despite all the words (always too many words, yes, I do know this, and possibly too many goddamned parentheses), my readers like pictures!

Pictures are like reading with the eyes. Wait… there’s something wrong with that… wait… I’ll get it… no, I’m good.

Well, if you want pictures, you lazy, good-not-for-reading f***ers (fudgers, that’s totes what I’m saying), that’s what you’ll get. Although, as a safety warning, please remember that when I promise you things, they are HIGHLY UNLIKELY to ensue. But this me looks hopeful about it:

Also, is it just me, or was this a SUPER-SHORT post?

Looking up again

I wrote recently about my battle with London-induced SAD and my plans to fight it with general ‘doing stuff’ and ‘going outside’ (big goals, I know). Since I’m the QUEEN of totally legit excuses (boom, blog idea!), I feel the need to report back, for a little accountability.

I’ve done pretty well so far, although there have been a few creative interpretations of the rules, I admit. One day’s ‘leaving Mile End every day’ part of the equation involved a short stroll to Bow when I realised at 7pm I hadn’t left the house and didn’t particularly desire to. Luckily I did desire treats and coffee, soooo… two birds an’ all.

Since I’m hindered by a budget of exactly zero pounds (Zing! But no, I’m not talking about my love life), I’ve turned to my pal the Timeout mag/site whenever I’ve had nothing already planned. I love that there’s a whole ‘FREE‘ category, always in nice bright red capitals – they just ‘get’ me. Although perhaps it should be in green, since it’s the only category I can GO to.

While some of these events are a bit hit or miss, it has taken me to places and events I wouldn’t otherwise have thought of. In the two weeks since my resolution, I’ve been to a Muesumised house/art project that is only open a few days a year, a book swap in a pub in an area I’d never been to (swapped crap books for sweet books ohh yeah), a Passion of Jesus play in Trafalgar Square, a display on water of the age-old rivalry of Oxbridge, and perused the Faberge(ish) eggs dotted about Covent Garden over Easter. Random, certainly, but a few of these have prompted blog posts (some in my head, some out), so they’ve been thought-provoking if nothing else.

But, by far the thing I’ve enjoyed most about my Happiness Project is the conscious effort I’ve put into seeing things differently.

I wrote a post near the beginning of this live-in adventure about the difference in perspective between a traveler and a local, and how you can spot a tourist because they look up and around themselves and out of themselves. It’s been a recurring theme, I’ve realised, featuring in drunken poetry and rants about history alike. And this is something I wanted to get back.

I’ve been close to failing my mission a couple of times already, and resorted to an open-eyed walkabout to fulfill my self-imposed duties. With the blinkers off and gaze dragged from the pavement, it surprised me what I saw and felt wandering on new paths or even trails I’d ploughed through a dozen times before but not really ‘seen’.

As I took myself on one putter along I thought, you know, I really kinda like walking in the snow – it’s like soft, fluffy, chunky rain, that doesn’t get you particularly wet (insert innuendo… In your endo). At least I thought this until my ‘looking up’ philosophy resulted in icicles to the eye, the soft, fluffy aspect betrayed itself as tiny, stabby pointiness, and blinking only served to sweep the little jabbers more evenly across my eyeballs.

Nevertheless,  once I regained my sight, I appreciated the vision of a usually dirty London street cloaked in a deceptively-cleansing layer of white-out. The ominous greys turned bright white and I contemplated my sunglasses back on the shelf at home (and how stupid they would make me look). I squinted, and I laughed, and for once I shared that laugh with other slip-and-sliders on the road as I almost-fell over and over again.

As a counterpoint to the quintessential misery of London Winter I pressed play on my ultimate Kiwi playlist and marveled how it perfectly counterpointed my surroundings with the sounds of sunshine. As the Finns crooned ‘Four Seasons in One Day‘ I thought yes, that’s right. Here it is Spring but feels like Winter. Back home it is Autumn and feels like Summer. And damn this city is one Crowded House that ozzies and kiwis alike claim as their own (sorry Brits, in-joke).

I glanced across the street and saw a bright, freshly-painted red phonebox against a backdrop of graffiti on grey. Trailing out to the side was a veritable line-up of assorted walks of life, in suits and hoodies, mini-dresses and burkas, all huddled in hunched shoulders with eyes on the cracked pavements and a rainbow of races. THIS is London, I thought – the image presented to the world of kitsch icons and the history, overlaid with the people actually living it.

Another FREEZING cold Monday I took the very long way home by bee-lining for the river and then following the Thames Path. Don’t let the name deceive you – this will kick you off the waterfront every half-block or so, and it begins to feel like a challenge to actually stay by the water. But I got to put my cynical jerkbrain aside and appreciate the sights, especially thanks to the pleasing dearth of tourists due to the polar ice winds racking the city. Walking past the Tower of London I remembered the first time I saw Tower Bridge, the most beautiful and somehow girly (despite-the-grizzly-history) of the Thames bridges, and thought that it’s really kinda cool that I live in ‘tower hamlets’, named for THAT tower (but not THAT Hamlet).

Since I was the only lamo stupid enough to hit the waterfront on such a feral day, I had the very strange sensation of being freaking ALONE for long stretches of the way. WIth bare-faced apartment buildings on one side, the Thames on the other, and anyone on the other side the size of ants, I surprised myself by feeling rather unnerved. What if I fell ill and needed help? What if I encountered some riverside nutter? What if… I fell in the river (a fate worse than death with the colour and temperature of that cesspool)? Apparently I’ve become so used to the constant hordes that I don’t quite know what to do when alone. Thank gawd for CCTV eh?

In case this post didn’t prove that I’ve been meeting my targets (we all know I could make this all up), I’ve taken some obligatory photo-evidence for you. My aim was to show some of the ‘normal’ things I walk past but find interesting again now that I’m looking out at the world again. Yes, this did win me some damn odd looks from strangers who did NOT understand what I was taking a pic of. They judged me just the way I judge tourists who take pics in front of dull signs. Damn them. Damn me. Here’s a selection! All of these are taken by me in my wanderings (a-la i-phone) and the last one may be as much a surprise to you as it was to me – sunglasses wtf?!