IT’S A BOY!!!
Dammit, I did not call that one. Barring velociraptors, I was completely gunning for a lass to take the #3 ranking in the ranking of pointless things.
The announcement came early this evening by way of smoke signals out of the Palace chimney – blue for boy, pink for girl of course – with the number of cannon fires from the Tower of London marking the pounds and the tolls of Big Ben denoting the ounces. Thus is was the Doctor – the only person capable of being in all three places at once – who broke the news to the nation by way of telegraphs sent to each and every home of Britain.
As the tiara-ed tyke was born on the hottest day in seven years, expert astrologers have predicted that his birth marks the beginning of seven years of sunshine, when the rest of the world will be bathed in ice while Britain regains its rightful place in the blazing sunshine and rules with a baby’s rattle. That or the sun will never rise again. I guess we’ll see in the morning.
Prior to the genital announcement, bookies had
hard-ons odds on for ‘Alexandra’ as the leading ladies’ name. While ‘Diana’ was cold in the grave, I fancied ‘Georgina’, but ‘Chardonnay’ was coming on strong with 1000-1 odds to take the name from the pole to the palace.
Now that the peen has been seen, ‘George’, ‘Francis’, and ‘Charles’ are taking the lead in the totally-dull-and-unsurprising-contenders category. At least some of the other contenders – ‘Louis’, ‘Alexander’ and ‘Arthur’ – are better placed to enable the child to grow up with the healthy narcissistic megalomaniac complex this country needs in a future King!
Personally, my vote’s with ‘4real’.
Now that the sacred child has come of the commoner’s womb and revealed its most crucial appendage to the world, other aspects of the great-coming-forth of 2013 have taken forefront in the minds of the world’s media and world leaders are frantically convening to debate such pressing issues as:
- Is it a Cancer or a Leo?
- Did it really come out of her ladyparts?
- What the hell is the royal family’s surname anyway?
- When will we see Kate naked on a beach again?
- What’s happening with that royal placenta?
- If Queen Lizzie eats it, will she live long enough to spite Phillip out of the throne?
- Who will be first to update the Royal Family‘s Wikipedia page?
- Don’t all those people outside the palace have bloody jobs to go to?
- Will Harry go full Robert-Downey-poon-her now that he’s been bumped down the list?
Well apparently the Royal Family are fans of holding out on us, so it may be days or even weeks until we learn the name of the future King – or at least the King of those few of us who will outlive Lizzie, Charlie, and Billy. Experts agree that only 1.24% of the current populace will live to mourn Liz (who sleeps in a vat of preserves), let alone the forehead-family.
Of course, experts also extrapolate that the bubs has increased the chances of the Royal Family still existing at such a future time by 23547%, as the whole world coos at the pudgy-wudgy cutesy-wutesy excuse to ignore the ACTUAL news.
- Palace: Kate gives birth to a baby boy (mercurynews.com)
- Royal Baby Born (theonion.com)
- Imprison the Royal Family and Abolish the Monarchy (gawker.com)
- A Royal Baby: What Next For The Monarchy? (news.sky.com)
- Royal Baby Eats First Meal (theonion.com)
- Ten royal baby traditions to know ……. (hrexach.wordpress.com)
- Try our royal baby name generator (cbc.ca)
- 18 unusual facts about royal babies (itv.com)