Nothing says Christmas like ‘haiku’

I hinted in my drunken Christmas ramble post last night that there would also be drunken Christmas ramble haikus! I seem to have broken the radio silence by being obsessed with the holidays away from home, and what more appropriate way to express it than with 5-7-5? If you read my former poetic efforts, you’ll know the comments ruling that you must respond in kind. Let’s get poetical!

Christmas is coming
To empty your bank balance
And fill your liver

Santa doesn’t know
That my Chimney’s in London
And plugged against rats

Heathrow doesn’t stop
Must maintain the 12 million
On Picaddilly

I’m scared the reindeer
Will end up in the turbines
Vixen for dinner?

Even if he comes
There’s no carrots for Rudolph
I can’t afford them

We say we’re orphans
But we’ll see our parentals
If they manage Skype

Have to arrange it
So they’re not yet arguing
And we’re not yet drunk

Time difference be damned
We’ll be sozzled either way
‘Spirit’ of Christmas

Open with ‘sorry’
That I’ve sent you sweet f-all
Coz I’m a failure

Wish I was crafty
But can’t afford wool or thread
Also, I’m shithouse

London could redeem
Itself with a white christmas
But that’s for Scotland

Rain comes to London
To beat Christmas spirit down
Into the gutters

At least I avoid
The barrage of Christmas tunes
Can’t afford the shops

Hell yeah Facebook friend
Tell me how you’re loving life
Back with the family

No, I’m not jealous
My family are crazy town
And en-zed’s so dull

Okay denial
Yeah I’m dreaming about it
Maybe I’m wistful

Hanging at Meg’s house
Waffles from Other Mother
I’ll mash banana

Far too many gifts
Holly opens everything
If we leave her alone

Mother and daughter
Are all over the Chasseur
Hide from grandparents

It’s healthy to drink
A cask between two today
How else would we cope?

Back to the UK
And the transport is striking
Good work and fuck you

Thought that there’d be lots
Of fellow Kiwi orphans
They’re all outa town

Thank gawd for LD
Taking in a poor orphan
I’ll bring the booze eh?

Let’s get out the roast
That comes ready in tin foil
We’re so domestic

I guess that I’ve never
Been a one for tradition
So now I question

Don’t know the reason
For the season of tinsel
White baby Jesus?

Is suddenly on me
And I want to flee

Never been much of
A communist or hippie
But Christmas does it

I would just like to
Be with those most dear to me
You know who you are

You bunch of mo-fos
Are so freaking awesome-sauce
You’re ‘in my heart space’

Merry Christmas y’all
And all other holidays



1 thought on “Nothing says Christmas like ‘haiku’

  1. Pingback: I’m (still) dreaming of a white christmas… | 1in12million

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