I tell you man, blogging is a cruel mistress that alternatively plumps and destroys my ego.
On the one hand, my mother writes on my every post that I should be a writer. This is of course lovely and makes me dream about someone paying me to whinge on the internet. And then when I shamelessly self-advertised to a site full of kiwis in the same position as myself, I got so many views that for a day I felt like a supreme goddess of titillating verse, unnerving clarity of phrase, and impeccable wit.
But that’s when the obsession began. You may know by now that I come from a family afflicted by ‘the crazy’. The most overwhelming flavour of this affliction is obsessive-compulsive and anxious. Hmm… let us consider how this might make me approach the stats page of my WordPress site…
If you’ve any experience with blogging and crazy you’ll have the SSRIs ready for me.
It is cruel. And amazing! And addictive. And Appalling! Jesus Christ I’ve only had 18 views today. Why don’t you LOVE me?! Okay, so I didn’t post anything today. But sometimes when I do post I’m like, come at me bro and then… nothing.
Certain posts I do just to be silly but think maybe other people will like them, too. I loved doing my stupid haikus so much I couldn’t think in normal cadence for a week. I got a few laughs outa that one and lots of silly messages on Fb, but I want COMMENTS people. I want COMMUNITY. I want to emulate my new blogging heroes. Yes, I’ve only ‘known’ these blog idols for a millisecond, but dammit, I’m enamoured with this little corner of the interwebs, and I want to be part of it.
So this sudden obsession with stats has led me to a recent discovery. Okay, it was probably always there, but was most likely an unpopulated wasteland and therefore unnoticed as I frantically skimmed for the numbers. What I’m talking about, folks, is SEARCH TERMS.
Apparently people who are neither mother nor Facebook friend, not frenemy nor someone whose blog I commented on, are somehow finding their way to my blog… through the magic and mayhem of Google!
This was quite the revelation to me, and so, let me take a moment to examine and try to explain some of these search terms that have (somehow) led to me like a Roman road.
Why do kiwis hate everyone else?
When I saw this I had two conflicting feelings. 1) It made me sad that someone got to my blog via this search. I know I probably come across as a grouchy twat sometimes, but really, I’m mostly tryna call out the grouchy twats. And kiwis LOVE other people – that’s one reason why we tend to leave home and go somewhere else for as long as they’ll allow us! 2) When I saw this I was mid-haircut and the hairwasher had just asked me if NZ was ‘near America.’ This made me ‘hate everyone else’.
Pissed as a Kiwi
Have I mentioned wine? I refer to most of my friends who get a mention by initials, so that they know when to feel famous (KJM I’m lookin’ at you kid) and so that those ‘in the know’ know who’s in the show. But my pal wine gets a straight-up shout out coz he’s cool and sweet and he don’t judge when I watch 14 episodes of Dexter in a row.
As much as I love a drink though, I know that New Zealand has an extremely damaging binge-drinking culture. There’s no sipping and enjoying and civilised imbibing. It’s all ‘let’s pre-drink enough that we can go to town slaughtered and not have to buy any expensive watered-down singles’. This also contributes to our sex-before-dating culture which made such endeavours as Cow TV’s walk-of-shame incredibly and always fruitful.
This culturally-accepted behaviour has a massive drain on society. I so barely graze the surface to mention street brawls, domestic and sexual violence, health conditions, property damage, financial ruin, job loss, brain death, and cyclical family destruction. So yeah, “pissed as a kiwi” sounds mildly amusing, and I’m supping a wine as I write this, but we are not amused.
Kiwi Image brand
What is the kiwi image brand? It’s Kiwis, certainly, and many other things I’ve mentioned on this blog, that we’re rightly or wrongly known for: jandals, the haka, the All Blacks, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, The Flight of the Conchords, being the seventh state of Australia (the FU state), first to see the sun, first to give women the vote, first to split the atom, first to climb mount everest, first to be forced into Facebook’s Timeline, first to trademark ‘firsts’, the littlest nation that could.
But one of the major things that governs the “kiwi image brand” is ‘clean green New Zealand’. This is a paradox of sorts. It is bloody true. We are clean, and green, and goddamned beautiful. It really is true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone (or you’ve paid a fortune to leave it… either way). One of the few assumptions I take pride in is “oh, you’re from Middle Earth?” And I’m like, goddamn right, and yes, it is that beautiful, and no, it’s not all CGI – there are bits I recognise from just driving by on the way to more beautiful places. Okay, nostalgia happening. I miss green and blue. And hills and troughs. Fuck, it’s really flat here. I need to go to Scotland soon to feel at home.
But I wonder how much we deserve to take such pride in this. I’m not sure we really make enough effort to keep the image true, considering our rubbish and recycling aren’t any better than most western countries, and worse than some. Rather, I think we’re just currently very lucky that our small population leaves us with enough clean green to go around. Let us hope we get our acts together before it runs out and Middle Earth has to be CGI-ed.
Land Transport New Zealand Ghost Chips criticism
If you don’t undestand this you probably never will. Give it a go anyway:
Whoops, I went looking for this and ended up in a kiwiana loop on the looptube. It is virtually inevitable. Don’t even try to find the best haka ever. It is a downward drool spiral.
Anyways, this is a (you may be surprised) recent Road Safety ad against drink driving. While it seems to espouse a number of negative Maori stereotypes, it has also struck a surprising chord with, it seems, the vast majority of young New Zealanders (the target market) of various ethnic backgrounds.
Now it’s almost impossible to offer a Kiwi chips without the inevitable line, “you know I can’t grab your ghost chips, bro.”
Ugly Kiwi Bird
Not sure what you mean, I don’t think there’s such a thing. Just look at this recent addition to the family:
Oh, did you mean ugly ‘bird’ as in a woman? Well, same answer.
Kiwi Bird Eating
It is sacrilege to eat a Kiwi! You will be beaten to death with jandals and then thrown to the taniwha.
Oh wait, yeah, grammar is important and stuff. If we’re talking Kiwis eating Huhu grubs then we’re sweet as bro.
Other search terms
What is this mystery category? Is it so wrong and dirty that it can’t be shown to me? Oh the intrigue!
My interest is so very piqued you must tell me – did you get here on a disturbing search term? Did someone find you with a randy googling? Or perhaps it was just unrelated. Tell me, what’s the most amazingly irrelevant thing you’ve happened upon on a casual search?